Shawn stood looking out of the back window at his car. He was alone in the waiting room and nervous. His hands were clammy. He kept rubbing them on his white shorts to dry them. Hearing a noise behind him, Shawn spun around to see Elliot who had just opened the door to call him in. Instant meltdown occurred for Shawn. His entire body burned like a fever. "I'm ready for you," Elliot said, smiling sweetly. Seeing Elliot give his crotch a quick glance, Shawn moved one leg in front of the other to force himself to function when all he wanted was this man. The urge to rebound onto Elliot for emotional and physical support was powerful. "How are you?" Elliot asked, closing the waiting room door and walking with Shawn to his room. "I don't know." And Shawn didn't. He was totally confused and becoming afraid of making bad decisions. Elliot closed them into the private space, sitting on his chair, picking up a yellow legal pad and pen. As Shawn sat on the couch, nudging off his flip-flops, he reassessed the room, as if he had forgotten the details, and it was important not to. The table lamp, the picture of a landscape on the wall behind Elliot, the bookshelf, the window with the sheer curtain, the large wall clock, ticking loudly… Elliot stared at him, as if waiting for more information. Shawn grew excited at the intense stare of Elliot's bright green eyes. "What don't you know?" Elliot asked. "Huh?" Shawn lost himself on the hollow of Elliot's cheek under his angular cheekbone. His soft blond hair and full lips. "I asked you how you are, and you said, 'I don't know'." Shawn pushed the heel of his hand into his crotch, taming what was becoming a raging hard-on. He felt dampness and peeked down. A small stain had appeared on his white cotton shorts where he had leak pre-cum. "Shawn? Are we going to be able to continue these sessions?" "I'm sorry. I guess I'm feeling a little…" Horny? Desperate? Alone? Need to jerk off on you? Elliot nodded, as if he wanted Shawn to continue. "I…" Shawn bit his bottom lip, picturing Elliot naked. "You?" A sudden wash of sadness hit Shawn. His eyes burned and his hands felt very cold and clammy. "Talk to me," Elliot said, "Shawn, what's going on?" "I'm not coping with anything well." "Okay… we touched on this in the last session. Tell me what areas in particular are giving you the most trouble?" "Everything. I told you. Nothing has changed." Elliot put the pad and pen aside, leaning over his lap to speak seriously. "Grief is very consuming. You lost someone you loved, Shawn. Recovery is going to take time. And everything you do will feel arduous and impossible until you can move on." Shawn felt his eyes filling, about to overflow. "I can't function." "I know." "How do you know?" A drop ran down Shawn's face and he wiped at it. "I lost someone close to me as well." "Who?" Shawn figured it was probably Elliot's mom or dad. Pain washed across Elliot's handsome features. He sat back in the chair and didn't reply. "Elliot? Who did you lose?" After rubbing his eyes and face, Elliot said, "My partner." A jolt of energy hit Shawn. He blinked and more tears ran down his face. "When?" "A year ago June." Elliot picked up his pen. "But this is about you. I just want you to know I understand." The fascination Shawn felt was borderline obsessive. A flash of being a kindred spirit to Elliot made the gooseflesh rise on his skin. "How old was he?" "Shawn…" "Elliot, please." "Twenty-five. He was killed while riding his motorcycle, in an accident." Shawn studied Elliot's expression. It didn't take a brain surgeon to see Elliot still felt the pain. "Do…do you like younger men?" "I can't talk about this with you, Shawn. If we make this about us, I have to refer you to someone else." "Why?" Shawn began to feel indignant. "What if hearing how you coped with your loss helps me? Huh? What if you sharing your feelings, makes me feel like I'm not the only one who's gone through this?" It appeared to Shawn as if Elliot was giving it some thought. "What do you want to know?" Elliot picked up a coffee mug with a rainbow decal on it, and sipped it. "How long were you two together?" "Eight years." Shawn thought about the numbers. "You…you met him when he was seventeen?" "Yes." Though Elliot spoke calmly, Shawn could see the pain course through him. "How old were you then?" "Twenty-six." He set his mug down. Shawn didn't know how to feel. His head began to spin with the information. Mainly he was thinking; you lost your boy toy, I lost my sugar daddy. What the fuck? Is this karma? Are you my Mr. Right?
